Have you ever found yourself in a relationship conflict where you care more than the other person about resolving the issue? This can be incredibly frustrating. I know, I’ve been there many times myself.
It can feel as if we are carrying all the responsibility for the relationship. It can also feel dis-empowering when we display willingness with someone who is in total resistance to us for one reason or another.
Well, this is a lesson that took me a while to integrate. We can’t resolve every issue with every person nor should we have to. There are some issues that are un-resolvable and some people that we are never going to see eye to eye with. If this is the case we need to re-focus our energy on those relationships that we can work on. The first one being the relationship we have with our self.
I can usually tell if I’m working on a relationship where the other party is not as invested by asking myself the following questions:
- Is the other party willing to work on the relationship? To what extend?
- Is the other party approachable and have I been able to ask him/her if they are willing?
- Do I feel safe even sharing my concerns with this person?
- Does this person stonewall intentionally or are am I doing something to trigger them that can be changed?
- Have I repeatedly made attempts to repair the relationship that have failed?
- Am I walking around with this person in my head replaying potential conversations that never happen?
If I can answer yes to most of these questions chances are I need to work on myself in regards to this person or relationship. When a person or relationship disturbs us to this degree we need to venture inside to ask those tough questions. Here are some questions you may want to ask yourself…
- What does this person stir inside of me and why?
- Who does this person remind me of from my past?
- What is trying to happen for me in regards to this person/relationship? Growth, Healing….
- What can I do to take better care of myself?
- A great way to explore a relationship conflict when the other person is not present is to explore the different sides of the relationship. Your side, their side and the side of a wise elder/spiritual figure or ancestor.
- Stand on your own side. Physically stand up and pretend to be facing the other person. As if they were across from you. Now say everything you need to say. Get it all off your chest until there is nothing more to be said.
- Now, go across from your side and become them. This is not a role-play. Try to channel them and their experience in regards to this relationship. This may take time and a few tries. Now, say everything that needs to be said on the other side. Don’t hold back.
- If you find yourself back on your side then go back take your side again and say whatever else needs to be said until there is nothing more.
- Now, think of someone you respect deeply and that works with conflict beautifully. It could be an elder or spiritual figure or the ancestors.
- Step outside the two positions and become this person. View both sides from this place of wisdom. What messages come from this place. What does this respected figure see? What advice do have for you? Just listen for whatever messages come. They often come in a whisper. Trust it.
- Now, take this message and ask yourself what you will do next.
- Sounds crazy, but it works. Give it a try. Have a great week.